Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
