I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize