how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
