just tell him i said nine months
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize