You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
