worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
