We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The convent might be a nice break from real life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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