all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize