rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
