Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
