I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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