my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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