my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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