I murdered the dance floor call the cops
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
