Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
