what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
