WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
