Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
