I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
