I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
