you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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