I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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