I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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