12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
