He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
