I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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