There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
