I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
