Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
