i just had sex bonerless
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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