my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
