I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
