Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
