How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
