I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize