Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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