I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
