there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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