Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
