why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
