miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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