i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
