One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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