My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
