After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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