Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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