by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
