I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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