make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
