I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
