well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
