Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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