Someone shit on the floor
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
