She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
