It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
