I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
