I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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