I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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