dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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