They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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