you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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